My nerves were all jangled, from my head to my toe. They're not averse to taking a chaw or guzzling a bottle of booze. The little hand's on twelve and the big hand's on ten. Tick, tock, poor Doctor Spock, won't find a customer here. I'm fussy with my clothing, wear suspenders with my shorts. Did you know you can get whooping cough from public toilet seats? He don't read the paper cause that's yesterday's news. He's so stuck on hisself that it make you wanta shout. He got time for the health club but no time for God. He's the pastor and flock in the First Church of Me. No Beamer, Porsche or Jaguar, not a mangy old white nag, just pickup trucks and bearded schmucks with parts that droop and drag.
A female chimp came out, I thought "Now that's what I like! Then I faxed my Senator-- Barack Obama, "Can't you pass me a bill against that cell phone mama? So I'm still being plagued by that cell phone mama. They all drive pickups as big as a house 'cause that's such a manly thing. when played real loud; that's the only time that they'll sing. Tick, tock, I keep hearing my doc say "Your hourglass is running out of sand." I say, "I got the word, but if the world hasn't heard, do you think I should hire a brass band? Unless I can find my prince pretty soon, and kick his slow..into gear. Being single gives me freedom, to do anything I please, even barking like a St. I have reached the sad conclusion that life ain't no fairy tale Ain't no knights in shining armor, ridin' hot upon my trail.
The compilation is mine but individual poems are copyright to their author.
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She was yakking 'bout sushi and some punk rock band in a lingo I couldn't even understand. " Now I've traveled more miles than Vasco de Gama, looking for peace from that cell phone mama. Reading funny poems every day can make you seem taller. Gonna meet Dad and Gramp 'cause they left before me; We'll go fishin' for bass in the Galilee Sea. " The funny poems in heaven will actually be funny.
I went back to bed in my flannel pajama 'cause my life's being ruined by a cell phone mama. From the frozen Antarctic to sunny Bahama, you just can't get away from that cell phone mama! He's so hip with his razor-cut hair gotta mouth fulla Altoids and head fulla air. "All dressed up and no place to go." I been squintin' out my window since I can't remember when and I still ain't seen my rescue just a crop of sorry men. Gonna dance me a waltz with Coretta Scott King while Nat King Cole and Elvis sing. That ain't half of the things that I'm plannin' to do, but there's a spot on my dance card I'm savin' for you. Single & Sure, my new ebook, has a surprising side-effect: People who read it enjoy life more. In Single & Sure, I show you the mistakes and blunders I made as a single person, so you can avoid them. You'll also learn proven principles to help you defeat loneliness, worry, fear, and indecision.
Then I flew to Las Vegas, thought I'd take in a show. Then he pulled wads of cotton from both of his ears. Most of the men in my neck of the woods like to hunt and fish and snooze. I wear a mask to keep out germs encountered on the streets. He's got this month's i Pod and next month's shoes. I seen every Disney movie-- Cinderella to Snow White and that square-jawed chump I'm waitin' for ain't showed up again tonight. Gonna take batting practice right next to The Babe. You discover how to be sure of yourself, sure of your future, and sure of God's love for you. You'll even discover the secret for getting out of debt and staying out.
You won't find anything by Shakespeare on this page, which for most of us, is a relief.
He wasn't a wiz at writing funny poems, and after a couple hundred years, humor tends to get a bit stale.